...my birthday. Maybe because that's today. Maybe because I've left the "earlies" and moved to the "mid's". Maybe because the longer I live, the more I realize that every day is a gift...and that I've wasted WAY too may days.
Hindsight is a WONDERFUL thing. Looking back, I remember SO many things I was afraid to try...the result of which is that I've lived a VERY uneventful (aka boring) life. I wonder if I'll be any more adventurous in the days ahead?
I've also come to realize that I have lived my whole life with the wrong understanding of what it meant to love people. I always thought (unconsciously, of course) that love was a reaction...it's what you felt toward someone when they treated you "lovingly". Yeah well, not so much. It strikes me as funny...I knew love was a decision, but it never occurred to me that it would be a decision that wouldn't make sense. By the grace of God, He finally got it through to me that HIS kind of love is not only unconditional...it's unmerited. That means the person being loved may not deserve it (like me when He chose me to be His)...that never occurred to me before. How much different my husband's and daughter's lives would have been. Hopefully, I was a good enough actress that they never realized how selfish, proud, greedy and jealous I was. Even more hopefully, I'm not the same now, and even MORE hopefully, they'll be able to see a BIG change in me...for the better. They are SO much better people than I am...I think the 3 of them have always understood unconditional love...they are greatly blessed.
I've always heard the saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."...that's hard to argue with. I like this version even better..."Today is the first day of the best of your life." I hope I live that out better than I have been.
None of us know how long we have. Psalms 139:16 says, "...and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me when there was not yet one of them." I take that to mean He knows how many I have left...and so far He hasn't seen fit to let me in on the balance of my account. My prayer today is that I will follow the advice of the country song and "live every day like it was my last." How 'bout you?
2 comments:
You are our mom, it never occurred you didn't love me. I know there were/are plenty of times you don't like me. :). It's all good.
The way I loved you I would give my life for you without thinking twice, BUT I think I always hoped that if I made you feel loved that's what would make you love me, and that would make you approve of me, that then you would HAVE to SHOW me you approved ... yeah,not so much. I could love you sacrifically, but selfishly at the same time. Maybe that's why it worked for you, but left me empty. It's SO much nicer now that when I CAN do something for you, I don't have to do it to get your approval ... I can just do it because I love you ... but that doesn't give you permission to stop approving of me. :)
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