...what I want to be when I grow up.

November 19th...sixty four working days from now...that's what's left to my career as a school Business Manager...but who's counting? :) As Shakespeare said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." I can't believe it's been 25 years. Some days it's "I can't believe it's ONLY been 25 years." and other times it's "I can't believe it's been T W E N T Y-F I V E years...WOW! So much for Jack King's prediction that I'd only last 6 weeks."

All in all I've REALLY enjoyed it (Which most people find sick & twisted. :D), it's been challenging, educational and provided quite nicely for my family, but... I'm TIIIIRED. I'm tired of 45-60 hour work weeks...I'm tired of never feeling qualified...I'm tired of feeling like they think they're doing me a favor to "let" me work...I'm tired of constantly misunderstanding what I'm being told...but mostly, I'm tired of the drive...I'm tired of dodging deer, hogs, turkeys & cattle... I'm tired of having to get up at 4:30 in the morning...I'm tired of being tired all the time...I'm tired of not having any energy to want to do anything...I'm tired of having to choose between sleep & life.

In my perfect world, starting December 1st 2010 I will get to be a bookkeeper, I will get to work from home, do things my way, set my own hours (no more than 30 per week), and earn more than enough to pull my share of the family financial load. It could happen...don't you think? I DO believe in miracles you know.

I have given God SEVERAL extremely good suggestions for my future employment...some of them don't quite fit my ideal, but I'm pretty sure they'd be acceptable and enjoyable alternatives (banking, independent bookkeeper, MK full-time, CPA Assistant), but for some reason He doesn't seem to have chosen to accept any of these suggestions at this time. =P Who DOES He think He is anyway? The sovereign ruler of the universe or something? Oh yeah...wait...that's right...He IS.

I am DETERMINED not to mess this up! I do NOT want to have another VW decision to be ashamed of the rest of my life.THIS time I want to wait for what HE has for me instead of forcing something just to have an answer and/or try to help Him. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt...it's NOT pretty.

Thank You, God that you have a plan...for me.
Thank You that Your plan IS good.
Thank You, Lord that You are never late (...but it would be okay with me if You wanted to give me a heads-up...now...just any day now...that's fine...)

Ya'll stay tuned...you don't wanna miss this...this is gonna be GOOOOOOOD. =D

...Humility

It's such a fleeting thing...just about the time I think I might have it, I realize my pride has reared its ugly head again. Truth is, if you think you're humble, you're not. Ouch!

Strange...I admire truly humble people...Iaspire to be humble...but I just don't want to go unnoticed. I think I'm afraid of fading into the woodwork (yeah, like that could ever happen, right?).

I think it goes along with unselfishness...I really want to be unselfish...I can act unselfish...for a while...but then "all of the sudden" I'm lookin' out for #1 again. :[ I wonder if I can learn to be humble & unselfish...you know...really change? I sure hope so. I wonder how?

...my birthday. Maybe because that's today. Maybe because I've left the "earlies" and moved to the "mid's". Maybe because the longer I live, the more I realize that every day is a gift...and that I've wasted WAY too may days.

Hindsight is a WONDERFUL thing. Looking back, I remember SO many things I was afraid to try...the result of which is that I've lived a VERY uneventful (aka boring) life. I wonder if I'll be any more adventurous in the days ahead?

I've also come to realize that I have lived my whole life with the wrong understanding of what it meant to love people. I always thought (unconsciously, of course) that love was a reaction...it's what you felt toward someone when they treated you "lovingly". Yeah well, not so much. It strikes me as funny...I knew love was a decision, but it never occurred to me that it would be a decision that wouldn't make sense. By the grace of God, He finally got it through to me that HIS kind of love is not only unconditional...it's unmerited. That means the person being loved may not deserve it (like me when He chose me to be His)...that never occurred to me before. How much different my husband's and daughter's lives would have been. Hopefully, I was a good enough actress that they never realized how selfish, proud, greedy and jealous I was. Even more hopefully, I'm not the same now, and even MORE hopefully, they'll be able to see a BIG change in me...for the better. They are SO much better people than I am...I think the 3 of them have always understood unconditional love...they are greatly blessed.

I've always heard the saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."...that's hard to argue with. I like this version even better..."Today is the first day of the best of your life." I hope I live that out better than I have been.

None of us know how long we have. Psalms 139:16 says, "...and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me when there was not yet one of them." I take that to mean He knows how many I have left...and so far He hasn't seen fit to let me in on the balance of my account. My prayer today is that I will follow the advice of the country song and "live every day like it was my last." How 'bout you?

Perfection

Along with my new perspective of expectations, I've been thinking about the likelihood of me one day attaining perfection...the possibility seems to be becoming more and more remote the older and tireder I get.

Somewhere in the course of my life, I was given the impression that the only things I would do that would matter would be those in which I was the first, the best or the only...no pressure. I honestly admit that this did not seem to be an unreasonable standard until recently (in this case "recently" may be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years...I don't exactly remember). Now, I understand that not only is that unattainable for most normal people, but it's a setup for major frustration...I can give personal testimony to that.

I think this may have been an example of me placing other peoples standards above Gods...sounds a little like the Pharisaical Law. You know...where the Pharisee's felft like God didn't give quite enough rules in the 10 Commandments, so they added a bajillion more just to clarify.

Toward this end, I have lived the 40-odd years of my Christian life feeling like I was a disappointment to God because I wasn't wonderful. The bible says we're given a spiritual gift when we accept Christ (1 Cor 12:7), but I can't for the life of me tell you what mine is...no one's quite been able to find a place for me to serve. I can tell you a whole lot of things I don't do well, and I do seem to have a gift for knowing exactly the wrong thing to say in any given situation (I wish I understood why it sounds SO good in my head, and then sounds SO dumb when it comes out of my mouth. :\), but I'm pretty sure that's not what He's talking about. Then there's the issue of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)...not the first characteristics you normally think of when I come to mind...especially those at the end of the list :/. I desperately held on to Philippians 4:13, and did my dead level best to do great and wonderful things...but I usually got the door closed in my face. My aspirations were high...my intentions were good...so what was wrong?

Did you count the number of times I said "I", "me", and "my" in the previous paragraph? I honestly and naively thought I had to do it...I had to become perfect...I had to do great and wonderful things for God. I'm really not sure where I got this idea...but these days I'm thinkin' "Not so much" and why in the world would I have ever thought I could? You see, that's just it...I never thought I could, and the biggest part of my frustration was having been given an assignment that was impossible to fulfill (Have I mentioned my compulsive tendencies?)...it felt like I had been set-up to fail...and when I actually thought about it I know that is NOT the way God works. Jer 29:11 says He has a plan for me...to succeed...not fail. Mat 11:28 tells me He'll teach me what he wants me to do...and he'll give me rest in the process (instead of me running around like a chicken with my head cut off). Oh, yeah, and Phil 4:13 where it says I can do all things...I think that means HE can do anything He chooses to do through me...if I'll just get out of the way and let Him do it. I don't think it means I have to do everything. Ecc 3:1-8 says there's a time for everything. It doesn't say I have to do everything right now.

When I learn from Jesus' example (like He tells me to in the Matthew verses), I see that He was perfect, but He didn't do everything: His family didn't always approve of His actions, they did not agree with the work He chose or the way He conducted His ministry (not even His mother who knew who He was...go figure), He didn't have a wife and children to deal with, He didn't heal everyone, He didn't preach or minister to everyone, and everyone who listened to Him did not believe...especially those who were supposed to have all the answers and ended up killing Him in the end.

Now I ask you...does that take the pressure off, or what? If the perfect man didn't feel the need to be all and do all, why do I? Am I so arrogant to suggest that I know a better way to live and serve than He did/does? Or maybe I think I can serve better on earth than God did because I've had more time? Am I the only one seeing ego in that attitude? I'm thinkin' God has the plan (Jer 29:11), He knows how much time I have (Psalms 139:16) maybe I should "let go" of the controls and let Him call the shots...what do you think?

How 'bout you? Who's standard are you trying to live up to? Who's controling your life?

Smile :)

Kish

Our family enjoyed the company of a female German Shepherd named Kish for the last 10 years and 11months. Tuesday morning, November 25, 2008 she made her last trip to the vet...I can't imagine how hard it was for Delbert to do that...he is SUCH a good guy.

We had had a German Shepherd, Sarge, when we first got married, but when we moved to this house, we didn't have a fenced in yard so Sarge stayed with my in-laws...he died shortly after my father-in-law passed away. We had a smaller dog, Kismet, that did make the move with us, but when Carly was old enough to get around on her own, she was afraid of him, so when he died we didn't get another pet...then came Christmastime 1997. We were celebrating the holiday with Delbert's family, and his nephew suggested that since he needed to find a home for his German Shepherd, and Delbert LOVED German Shepherds, we should take his dog home with us. Delbert said, "No.", but somehow by the end of the afternoon, we were loading up that 75 pound dawg to bring to Post with us.

MERCY! I had no idea what we had signed up for. She HAD TO BE to BEST dog in the world...and she had so many of our family's characteristics: she had my allergies, she was super protective like Delbert, she was moody like Lindsey (okay, so maybe like me too), and I forget what she did like Carly, but I know there was something. She was meant for our family...she was a perfect fit.

When Delbert was gone overnight, she wouldn't eat...she was his dawg.

She kept us so safe...friends, family and letter carriers were NOT allowed on the front porch without an introduction. Did I mention she was a house-dawg? That was my idea (Delbert didn't much like it, but he gave in...I'm not sure why.)...it seemed silly to have a pet that stayed outside, when none of us were ever outside for very long...ESPECIALLY a German Shepherd because they thrive on human interaction. So our house has been hairy, and crowded (her favorite place to walk...or stop...was right in front of you. The trainer said that was her way of showing us who was the big dog)...and very safe for almost 11 years.

I was a little concerned when the grandbabies came along. She had never been around babies, and I wasn't sure how she'd react...BEST DOG EVER. For the better part of the last 8 years, she was crawled on, crawled under, ridden, pulled on, laid on, licked in the face (yes, TO her not BY her), punched, poked and prodded, and not one time did she ever snap, bark or scare those babies (I can't say the same for the humans of the house)...not even when she developed hip dysplasia and arthritis and hurt so badly did she take it out on us or them.

She was a big dawg (@ 85 pounds I think the last time I took her to the vet). We knew from the get-go that the life expectancy for big dogs was "only" about 10 years. Her age started showing @ 3-4 years ago I guess (Her aging snuck up on me kind of like mine has.), and for the last year we've expected every day might be her last, but Monday afternoon Delbert found her under the house...that was new, and it caught me by surprise. She had broken the cover off the crawl-space and gotten under there. When he got her out, she followed him around while he worked in the back yard, and got where she couldn't pick up her back end at all...that broke his heart. He called me at work to tell me what had happened, and that he was taking her to the vet that afternoon, but he couldn't get there before they closed, so I got to say, "Goodbye" before she left us. I didn't even bother to put on makeup Tuesday morning...I cried all the way to work, and half the morning.

On one hand it seems silly for me to be as torn up as I am about this...she was "just a dawg", but in so many ways, she was SO much more:

She always acted like she liked me no matter how I acted.

She was always glad to see me...even when I ignored her.

She always had time for me even though I didn't make time for her.

She never got mad at me.

She never got impatient with me.

She showed me absolute and unconditional love.

She was always there to let me cry on her shoulder...and now she's not.

I know she's gone, but I still hear her (that's a little scary when I know I'm the only one here)...walking over the squeaking boards in the house, or the noise that her ears made when she shook her head, or her licking her big dinosaur bone. I still expect to see her lying in the middle of the living room floor or in the corner of the bedroom. I still look to make sure I don't step on her when I walk through a dark room...but she's gone...and she won't come back...and I miss her more than I ever imagined I could...and it seems SO silly...she was just a dawg. Ecc 3:1-8

Expectations

I have been accused (by more than one "friend", co-worker and family member) of being a perfectionist and/or control-freak. While I would like to argue with those accusations, after much reflection, I'm afraid the evidence may be stacked against me. They made this sound like it was a bad thing...so, I really am trying to reform...in some things...some days are better than others.

One of the things I've come to realize this that I have had expectations for how other people should act, think and feel. You may be surprised to learn that those people quite often don't conform to my expectations. This has "always" been a source of great frustration to me, and I've expended a considerable amount of energy being frustrated. It also frustrated me that these people didn't seem to care that they cost me all this energy and effort...they didn't seem to realize that THIS WAS ALL THEIR FAULT, and that they were making my life a lot harder than it had to be. You may also be surprised to learn that I was not always gracious in my response to their failure and their unconcern.

Just recently it's been suggested to me (by a completely unbiased Heavenly source) that the problem has actually been mine and not theirs...I hate it when He does that...can't I be right one time? Apparently not. :\ Do I always have to be the one that needs to change? Apparently so. :/

It seems that the issue(s) were possibly not black and white (What?)...not a matter of who's right and who's wrong (HOW can that BE?)...but rather what I'd set as my expectations. You see, in my world there's a plan for everything...everything IS black & white...there is my way and the wrong way (I wonder where I got that character trait?) and anything else is a criticism of my intelligence and/or character. I didn't take this well...it's a hard way to live...my feelings were hurt a lot of the time...which made me a LOT of fun to live with...NOT so much. After years of hoping everyone else would change, my response several months ago was to say, "Fine. I won't care about anything. I won't have an opinion about anything." That didn't work so well. I didn't get my feelings hurt so much...but I lost everything...bad and good...I couldn't feel anything. Back to the drawing board. Then two or three weeks ago, came the idea again...with a new twist..."Let go of your expectations." (Letting go has been the theme of my life for the past 11 months. Probably more about this in future postings.) My first response was, "Wasn't that what I did before that didn't work out so well?" The answer, "No. This time you give up YOUR expectations, and wait to see what I want to do." Is 55:8-9, Heb 11:1, Rom 8:23-25 and Phil 2:3-4

I wish I could say that my transformation was instantaneous, that I heard the lesson, changed my behavior and attitudes and that everyone I know has seen the difference in me and marveled...not so much. :\ It seems to be a process...doggoneit...requiring self-discipline and perseverance...rats! But at least now I can see a goal...and there's always hope. What more could I ask for?

What are your expectations? My advice (just in case you wondered)...give 'em up. In the words of one of my very wise younger sisters, "You just do what you're supposed to...don't worry about other people's reactions...that's their issue." If you're anything like me, you'll be AMAZED at how much easier your life will be...even during the learning process...even if those other people don't do things the "right" way.

Smile :)

First Things

One of our daughters suggested that I should do a blog. At first, I thought, "Riiight. Just what I need...one more thing to neglect." Then after talking to the same daughter last week, I thought, "She needs to hear my newest revelation, but it'll take longer that our usual 5 minute talk." That's when I thought, "If I did a blog, she could read it when and if she wanted, and wouldn't feel pressured to tell me how wonderfully inspired I am." So, here I go. I figure you'll either be bored to tears, grateful that you are SOOO much smarter than I am, and/or you'll go to the next thing on your to-do list with a smile on your face.

WARNING: I am a Christian. I believe God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit work in everything I see, and everything that happens to me and in the world. I understand that not everyone believes in these powers and not everyone who calls themselves "Christian" believes that They are involved in the details of everyday life. Nothing I say on this site is intended to offend or belittle what you believe...this is just to share life as I see it, and there will probably be frequent references to these Persons. I hope you are blessed anyway.

I'm 50-something. Most days I can't believe that. I thought I would be SO much more together by the time by the time I got to this stage of my life...and I guess I thought I'd always look like I did when I was 20...WHAT was I thinking?!! I was putting on makeup yesterday morning (in a car, in daylight instead of the kinder effects of indoor lighting...BIG mistake), and was APPALLED by how OLD I looked...when did that happen? In my head, I'm still a slender 20-something with red hair. Where did this grey-haired, pudgy old woman come from, and how do I feel about her? Some days, I think it's kinda cool to be middle aged, and I think I'm aging gracefully, and maybe starting to get a clue about life...then there are days like yesterday that I feel like I'm ready for the nursing home, and become painfully aware of the things I haven't and don't get done.

Okay, I know that may be a bit of an overreaction, but it really hits hard when it catches me off guard like that...there ought to be some kind of warning before that happens. I am sorry to admit that I didn't do much rising above yesterday. One good thing that came out of it was that I didn't eat myself into a coma for a change, but it was not one of the better self-image days of my life.

Today is a new day. I have the opportunity to decide what I want to do with it...or rather, what I want to allow God to do through me. Since I've been up a couple of hours, had my first mega-cup of coffee, and the chance to vent, I think I've decided that maybe I'm not finished yet (isn't that an epiphany?!). I think I'll try to make today better than I did yesterday...I can't very well do less than I did yesterday...oh, me...oh, well. Ecc 3:1-8

Smile :)